I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Randomize
