Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
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