I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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