I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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