im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
