Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
