Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
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