So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
