Old men and throwing up are my life now.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
