I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
