A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
how do flat chested girls get laid?
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Randomize
