You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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