glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
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