I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
