phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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