Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
