Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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