Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
