i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
