new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I need to calm my uterus...
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
