I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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