Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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