I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
