she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
