You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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