Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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