I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
