i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
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