Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
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