When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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