I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Someone shit on the floor
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
