I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Randomize
