"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
people are starting to question the shark bite story
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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