His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
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