the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
