I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
