i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
