You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
