dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
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