mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
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