So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
