How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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