A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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