I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
