did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
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