In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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