I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
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