I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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