i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
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