I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
We had sex on a dog bed..
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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