I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
