i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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