Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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